The new year is approaching, and this normally brings a wave of resolutions around weight and plenty of commercials or products coming out that seem to “encourage a healthy lifestyle” to “help everyone achieve their new year’s resolutions.” All these messages being displayed have made me reflect on the start of my health journey, and I feel compelled to write an honest, transparent post about my journey with body image and a few major realizations I’ve made along the way.
I always focused my health journey around my BMI, and I always had my goals centered around my health. However, I would be lying if I said I didn’t have dreams, visions, or fantasies creep into my mind at the start of this journey about what would happen when I started losing weight. I imagined that moment when someone would notice my weight loss by saying something like, “Brannon! You look great” or “You’re getting skinny now!” I dreamed about going shopping and being able to finally wear cute clothes that matched my style and looked great on me! I fantasized about having the confidence to buy a bikini and post a picture of me wearing it on the beach. I centered this journey on my health, but I definitely had fantasies along the way.
Did they come true? Well….sorta? They happened, but the realities did not match the fantasies. Here’s the truth:
My family and I were driving up to be with family for Thanksgiving. I was excited to see my extended family, but there was a small part of me that was excited to see whether anyone noticed my weight loss (since I was losing slowly, it was harder for my immediate family or friends to notice since they saw me every day.) We arrived and I was in the kitchen when a family member came up to me and said, “Brannon, you look so pretty…” Here it was! I felt my breath catch and a thrill went through my body; the moment I had dreamed about was here! However, that thrill was short lived when they finished with, “…you look so pretty now that you’ve lost your weight.” I think time stopped. My heart sank so low and that horrible, “ouch” feeling of being called “fat” crept in. This moment I had dreamed about happening had finally happened, but the feeling was devastating. In fact, any time someone would say something like “looking great” or “wow, B!” or ANY comment in the realm of me being “skinny” just hurt. It felt like a backhanded compliment. It felt as if they were saying I wasn’t “pretty” or “lookin’ good” before (to be clear: I was, and am, smart, happy & absolutely gorgeous.) Being called “skinny” started having the same feeling as being called “fat.” It felt painful. I started wondering why people felt it was okay to say these things to me? If it’s not okay to say, “Oh my gosh, you’ve gotten fat,” then why is it okay to say, “OMG, you’re skinny!” I started wondering why we associate “skinny” with being positive and assume it’s okay to comment about someone’s figure in relation to their beauty. Why have we allowed ourselves to make this false connection, and why had I bought into this idea? My excitement turned pain was now replaced with shame. I felt truly ashamed for ever dreaming of this.
Another dream of mine was going shopping and having cute clothes fit me. I imagined how fun it would be to go to stores, try on clothes, and actually smile at myself in the mirror. The concept of enjoying clothes shopping was unheard of for me. I hated walking by something SO cute and SO my style…just to find out it was only offered in a size XS. Or if it was offered in my size, it looked ridiculous on me. I had fantasized that losing my weight would make this problem go away… but I’m here to say that’s not true. I still run into the same problems. I still see something cute on a mannequin that’s either not offered in my size or looks horrible on me. I still occasionally find myself leaving a clothing store feeling defeated or not good enough because the clothes looked so bad on me. There are still times when I look in the mirror and see every imperfection, and I become fixated on the “wrong” instead of the good. Which leads me into this whole fantasy about wearing a “perfectly fitted bikini for the pictures”…
Cameras used to be my enemy. I had mastered the art of maneuvering the camera. I figured out ways to hide my body or crop the pictures just right because I hated looking at pictures of myself–I was always able to find a million flaws (I have very few pictures of my body before this health journey because of this.) I fantasized that once I lost weight I wouldn’t be afraid of having my picture taken anymore, and I would replace that fear with confidence. I particularly imagined being confident in a swimsuit and willing to let others take pictures of me in one.
Well… this fantasy bubble burst in the summer 2019. I’ve lost nearly half my body weight; I’m on a beach; I’m wearing a bikini… but I just can’t post a picture unless I have a cover on. I realize that so many people are posting pictures on social media of their vacations, but the only thing I’m noticing is their bodies. It seems like every girl has a perfect body to fit into their bikini– every girl except me. The moment is here, I’ve worked hard, and I have the results… but I feel the exact same way I did before. I’m comparing myself to others and convincing myself that I’m not good enough.
WHY?!?! How can this be!? I’ve met my goals, and I have the results to prove it! I’m able to fit my entire body into one leg of my old jeans; I shouldn’t be afraid to post a picture of the body I’ve worked so hard to get… but I am. I’m still able to look in the mirror and see the exact same flaws and imperfections I noticed before I began this journey.
I’ve realized from fulfilling all of these “fantasies” that they were all naive and each one turned out to be unfulfilling.
I’m not writing this to make anyone feel bad about having fantasies over weight loss or posting pictures that embrace their bodies. I cannot emphasize enough how much I *LOVE* seeing people display their confidence in themselves and radiate body positivity while doing so. But I truly admire posts that are vulnerable about body image. Posts that show unedited, unfiltered photos of bodies and posts that expose the truth about how a person is feeling about their body in that moment are posts that are few because it’s nerve-wracking to be so brave and open about something so personal. Yet it is important to do because struggles with body image are universal. I feel called to expose these realizations about my weight loss because I know I’m not alone in having these fantasies or feeling down about my body at times. When I opened up about my health journey, I had SO many people reach out and ask for tips or tell me about their own struggles with body image. Every single person who reached out was gorgeous and they were people I had envied before I started my journey. I was truly shocked to realize that even people who we think have “the perfect body” or “absolute confidence” also struggle with their body image.
I’ve come to the conclusion that these narrow fantasies I once had were brought upon me by society. We live in a society that is constantly bombarding us with media and advertisements meant to create desires in consumers for something they don’t need. Seeing constant advertisements with size 00 models who are put on a seemingly high platform and labeled “perfect” or “confident” and seeing every single mannequin wearing XS clothing will create the feeling of longing and the feeling of being left out by EVERY SINGLE PERSON who sees them because they are images that do not represent truth or reality. No one can compare to the body of a sculpted mannequin (even those who are a size 00 or XS) because it was made for the sole purpose of making clothes look good. Our bodies are made to live and function. No one can compare to the “beauty” or “confidence” displayed in advertisements because they’ve been crafted for months by professionals to sell a product or an idea to you. Your beauty and your confidence does not, and should not, come from the approval of others.
When we see these images everywhere and all the time, they make us feel “less-than” or that we have to adapt who we are and our bodies to those standards. But here’s the kicker–there will always be something society can find wrong and there will always be a way for society to make you believe that you need to fix it–REGARDLESS of your size. If you allow this feeling of needing to fit a mold control you, you will never be satisfied.
If your new year’s resolution is to live a healthier lifestyle, I encourage you to seek a path that focuses on achievable goals and fantasies that lift you up. What if our fantasies could be related to our health or fitness level and be marks of encouragement? Instead of dreaming of fitting into a certain size, what about dreaming of running a mile without stopping? Running a mile under 10 minutes? Completing a workout challenge? Running in a race, winning a race, lifting more weight each week, becoming stronger and faster, etc. These are the kind of fantasies that ended up being fulfilling when I achieved them. These are the things that built my confidence. I used to think that weight loss would bring me so much happiness and beauty, but now I know that this is far from the truth.
Both girls on the left and the right in these pictures above are smart, happy, successful and beautiful. And both girls can find a flaw or two about their body. The truth is that weight loss didn’t make me “glow;” I gained confidence and love for myself through living a positive, healthy lifestyle. I’ve learned throughout my journey that you give yourself confidence and that weight and/or body size have nothing to do with it. And I’ve also learned that it’s okay to be confident but still have your moments–you’re only human. I hope any resolutions you have relating to your health focus on making you a better version of yourself for yourself alone. May your new year be filled with affirmations and achievements in any area you’re striving for. ❤
Special thanks to Ansley for helping me put this post together! You’re the best!!
My Health Journey 