Some of y’all may have noticed I haven’t been posting on my blog as much lately. It’s because my mental health has been a roller coaster this year, so I needed to take a step back from being open about my health journey in order to focus on myself. The controversy surrounding mental health since Simone Biles stepped back from the Olympic competitions makes me feel called to write about something SO important I’ve learned this year: mental health IS physical health. I always thought my health journey in 2018 was successful because I started slow and without pressure, but now I realize that I was successful because my mindset was healthy and prepared for the journey. I’m not writing this post to be political or start an online fight. I truly want to share realizations from my journey this year, and I hope this post can be helpful to someone who might be in a similar boat.
Before I share my realizations, it’s important to know how I got there. My dream for the past three years has been to teach English in France. I was meticulous in college to get the best grades, make the best connections, and gain the best experiences in order to make this dream a reality. I received a job offer in June 2020 to teach in a small, French town. My dream had come true, and I was ecstatic to start! I moved to France on October 1st, 2020. My first month was incredible! Everyone was so nice, the town was charming, and I loved my job.
However, France’s COVID cases were steadily rising with no end in sight. Therefore, France went into a lock-down. As an American citizen, I had never experienced a lock-down to this extent. We were only allowed out of our homes for an hour a day. If you went out, you had to fill out a form for the government to track your time. You would be fined if you were caught without this form. If you wanted to workout outside, then you were limited to a perimeter of a half mile radius from your house. The ONLY open stores were essential businesses. Imagine: I had just moved to this town. I only knew my students and my coworkers… and now EVERYTHING was closed. No trains to explore new cities. No restaurants to socialize or meet people. I was living alone and only allowed to go to work and be outside for an hour. It. Was. Miserable. I felt like a caged animal, and my mental health began to take a turn for the worst.
This is the part of my story I’m not ready to write about in full detail, but I am willing to share this much: my mental health struggles took form in my relationship with food. This led to an unhealthy relationship with my body image and exercising. It was like a never ending cycle that I could not stop.
When I went back to The USA for Christmas break, my mental health was instantly better.
I remember dreading to get on the plane that would take me back to France. I knew that living in a foreign lock-down was negatively impacting my mental health, but I went back because of the pressure I felt from the expectations I thought were placed on me. I felt that my coworkers expected me to be present and do the job I said I would do. I didn’t want to upset them. I felt that my students loved my class and expected me to continue teaching them. I didn’t want to hurt them. I felt that my friends and family from America, who have followed my journey for the past 4 years, expected me to continue. I didn’t want to disappoint them. I also feared the judgement of not returning to France. I felt that I’d look like a “coward,” “quitter,” and a “loser,” so I returned to a situation I knew was harmful to me.
In April 2021, France went into its strictest lock-down by shutting down schools. There was no reason to stay without my job, so I booked the earliest flight home I could afford. On the flight home, I cried. I fought so hard to stay and “look like a trooper”… but I left early anyways. I cried from the fear that I would be viewed as a quitter. But coming home was everything I needed. I was surrounded with the support I needed to work on my mental health. I slowly worked on developing a healthy relationship with food. This led to me using exercise as a form of therapy. It’s now a way to release my stress or anxiety. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made thus far.
I realize now that these current feelings of health and happiness are worth so much more than the possibility of “letting people down” or “looking like a quitter.” I’ve realized the main person I have to please is myself, which is a hard realization for a caregiver like me to say. But it’s true. You should strive to be the happiest, healthiest version of yourself for yourself. If a situation is hurting you, you CAN walk away.
Simone Biles did what I was afraid to do on the most public stage there is. She put herself above the world’s expectations of her at the Olympics, and I am truly in awe of her. The controversy around her act of bravery proves there is a stigma about mental health that has not been addressed in our society. We don’t talk about it enough. We don’t have it advertised to us enough. I would argue that people aren’t mad at Biles because she didn’t compete; I believe they’re upset she pulled out of the competition for a “silly” reason. If she had a broken ankle, there would be no controversy. Everyone would wish her well and move on. We’re not informed enough on mental health to realize that It’s the same issue. She cannot compete with a mental block. She would ruin her team’s chances of winning, and she would likely physically hurt herself.
I’ve been watching TV more, and I’ve been paying close attention to commercials about health. There are few mental health ads such as online therapy or licensed therapists looking for new clients. There are several physical health ads such as gym memberships or diet programs. I find it interesting that very few diet programs offer a course for a person’s mental health. This year made me realize that I was successful in my health journey because my mental health was healthy in 2018 when I started. I didn’t immediately start out with high expectations of losing ALL my weight in a month. I didn’t tell myself that I had to “eat good” every day. I didn’t label food as “good” vs. “bad.” I labeled food as fuel, I listened to what my body needed, and I ate accordingly. My physical success was because of my mental success. My fallout this year was mental. Physical health IS mental health, and mental health is physical health. They are tied. If you want to change your body, it starts with your mindset.
This realization has led me to two major additions to my health journey: self-care books and therapeutic workouts. I’m working on adding these to my blog, but here are my best recommendations for now:
Self-care books:
Start Where You Are by Meera Lee Patel
You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Workouts that help my anxiety:
GOING. ON. A. WALK/RUN. (seriously. Play music and just zone out)
Pure Barre
Yoga
HITT (11/10 recommend Katie Austin)
I’m working on adding sections of self-care books and workouts to my blog; therefore, if you have recommendations for books or workouts please let me know!
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. It’s always a little nerve-wracking to be open about something so personal, but this is a post I am very passionate about. My purpose for this blog is to try to change the narrative around physical health; therefore, I believe it’s imperative to talk about mental health as well. I don’t have all the answers on how society can work on getting better about accepting mental health, but I do believe a key to change is to start talking about it. Please reach out if you want to discuss! You can find my contact here.
My Health Journey 